there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
