my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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