I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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