i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
