Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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