I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
