i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
