The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
