My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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