Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
