Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
