I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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