This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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