Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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