You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wish they made helmets for livers.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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