Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize