I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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