I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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