and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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