so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Watching her eat just hurts me
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
