I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize