i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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