her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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