someone get that fucking seahorse.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
