and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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