Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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