How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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