Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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