maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
