She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
pray to the hookup gods
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
