We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize