i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
