I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
