Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
