Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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