your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize