happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
