can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
