Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
