this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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