the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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