If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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