wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
