If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
