I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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