You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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