im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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