3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
