maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
