I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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