I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We were destined to go to rehab together
When did angry sex become our thing?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize