you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
