her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
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