Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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