cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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