My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
