when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
