I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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