I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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