I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
